


Slightly To The Left

by Lilbug121



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 16:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9499505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilbug121/pseuds/Lilbug121
Summary: "Every time I look at my reflection, I'm expecting to see myself, and instead I see this...this uncanny valley bulshit! Taako, but slightly to the left! Like a wax figure that melted a little! Its not me, it's just wrong enough and it makes my skin crawl and itch because this body isn't mine."





	

Magnus wants to kick himself for not noticing sooner.  
  
Wonderland had been rough on all of them, it was taxing by design, they were all still recovering and Magnus suspected-no, he was certain, that none of them would ever really recover. Not completely.  
  
So when Taako insisted he was doing fine, really, joked that he hadn't lost much he couldn't replace with a trip to Fantasy Sephora, Magnus shouldn't have accepted it so easily. But he really did seem fine, he'd developed a bit of a limp thanks to the much-delayed and incomplete job healing his legs, but it wasn't slowing him down much and nothing else really seemed to be bothering him.  
  
Magnus should have remembered how much of a liar Taako is.  
  
But he didn’t, and so he is completely unprepared, and more surprised than he ought to be, when he walks past Taako's room a week after returning home, and hears him crying.  
  
Magnus really is trying to think before acting more often, but it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks as they say, and he rushes in to help without thinking. Taako probably doesn't want to be seen like this, but what else can he do? Not helping isn't an option, not to Magnus.  
  
He sees Taako curled up in on himself, as if he were trying to take up as little space on the bed as possible, and at first Magnus thinks he's pulling his own hair. He then realizes, horrified and sickened, that he's actually tugging on his own long ears as well.  
  
Magnus had tugged one once, a long while ago, trying to make a joke, and the look of betrayal and hurt and fear Taako gave him was heartbreaking. Apparently that's just about the worst thing you can do to an elf. It's incredibly painful, the skin is thin and absolutely lousy with sensitive nerves. But more than that, their ears are how they orient themselves. If it's restrained he'll start to get dizzy and disoriented.  
  
Which would explain the green tinge to his copper skin, the fact that he's heaving as he shakes and hiccups and sobs.  
  
"Taako?"  
  
His eyes dart up, wide and fearful, before squeezing shut again as if he could will Magnus away by not looking at him hard enough.  
  
He'd have no such luck however. Instead, Magnus approaches him gently, but deliberately making noise so as not to surprise him, and takes a seat beside him. Holds him close and shushes him, reaches to gently uncurl his fingers from his ears to hold his smaller hands within his own. In that moment he’s struck by just how small and fragile Taako can look sometimes.  
  
Taako is stiff at first, but he's craving comfort and it's not long before he melts into Magnus, still sobbing and occasionally heaving as the dizziness subsides. Magnus rubs his back and mumbles more assurances to him. Empty words, mostly, but sweet nonetheless. Being ok is nice to imagine. It won't happen, but it's a good thought. Eventually, Taako's breathing grows even and the trembling subsides, mostly, and he's aware of himself enough again to feel like an absolute embarrassment.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Magnus asks. "It's ok if you don't, but. It's ok if you do too. I'll listen."  
  
"You'll think it's dumb" Taako mumbles. "It is dumb. I'm dumb".  
  
"I promise I won't think it's dumb. People don't break down over dumb things." Magnus rubs Taako's back, gently, trying to reassure him. "If it made you feel this bad, then I'm not gonna belittle it. We all have our own fights".  
  
Taako takes in a deep breath. Holds it. Lets it out as a sigh. He really does want to talk about this, which surprises himself. He's spent too long with Magnus, he figures, that's what's making him want to talk about his problems like this. A bad influence.  
  
"Guess I'm gonna have to prove you wrong" he jokes, smiling weakly.  
  
"Try me" Magnus answers confidently, smiling back, small but genuine.  
  
Taako lets out another deep sigh.  
  
"So. First of all, I'm not even gonna pretend otherwise: I am vain as fuck. My face is my fucking brand. So you know. I'm not too happy about what's going on right now with my whole face situation, ya dig?"  
  
Magnus nods, and Taako scrutinizes Magnus's face for signs that he was judging him. He must be, even if it doesn’t show, because who wouldn't?  
  
"But," Taako continues, "I am also magical as fuck. Disguise Self can last like eight hours if I use a good enough slot to cast it. No one ever has to see me in a way I don't want them to. So that's not my issue here, it's annoying but I'm not angsting over it, ok? I'm not that vain."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Ok?"  
  
"But?" Magnus prompts.  
  
"But...." Taako sighs, running his fingers through his bangs. He's starting to regret sharing. He's gonna sound like an idiot. But he's already committed, now he's determined to see it through to the stupid end.  
  
"Remember that time we all switched bodies?" he asks, hoping Magnus doesn't chastise him for switching topics. He'd swear up and down it was relevant.  
  
"Yeah, how could I forget?" Magnus runs his fingers through Taako's curls, gently. They tangled more easily now, apparently, so he was trying to be careful, but they were already knotted up from Taako's tugging earlier anyways, and Magnus always listened better with something in his hands.  
  
"Well...didn't that all feel just. Viscerally wrong? We had other things to worry about, yeah, but hearing the wrong voice say your words and the wrong hands still doing what you wanted them to, it was super uncomfortable right?"  
  
Magnus agrees again. Taako is right, that had been incredibly unsettling. It wasn't the most uncomfortable thing he'd experienced on their adventures, but it was pretty high up there. Discounting Wonderland, maybe discounting the way his brain statics up and aches when he tries to think about certain things, it probably was the worst.  
  
Taako smiles a little, relieved to hear his agreement. "Right! Super freaky! Ok. So now imagine that, but like. Literally all the time!" Taako waves his arms broadly to emphasize his point. "And it's not as dramatic, so sometimes you forget, you, you trick yourself into thinking it's normal, but then you see yourself and it's like..." Taako's frown returns. "it's like...like...like walking into a familiar room, where everything got moved an inch to the left. And you know something isn't right but you can't figure out exactly what! But, but it's definitely not right, it's not your, your face, you're not in your own body. You're never in your own body! Even when I put on a glamor, I'm the one who cast it, I can see through it!" He’s getting frantic again, hysterical, desperate, speaking quickly and voice thick with impending tears. He stops gesturing with his hands and instead moves to tug on his own hair, as he often did when he was distressed. Magnus pets his hair, in a way he hopes is comforting. He hates to see him like this.  
  
"Every time I look at my reflection, I'm expecting to see myself, and instead I see this...this uncanny valley bulshit! Taako, but slightly to the left! Like a wax figure that melted a little! Its not me, it's just wrong enough and it makes my skin crawl and itch because _this body isn't mine_." He's crying fully now, and makes a move to wrap his fingers around his own ears again before Magnus can pull them away, gently, so gently, like he's afraid Taako will break. Perhaps he really would.  
  
"It's not _mine_ , it's not _right_ , I'm not _me_ and if I'm not me then who am I! Am I even real? I'm not. I'm not real! I'm never inside my own body and it's exhausting!" he finishes, expression pained, though Magnus only sees it for a brief moment before he buries his face in Magnus's chest. Crying, trying to breathe again, and eventually calming himself back to being able to talk. Magnus rubbing smooth circles into his back helps a lot.  
  
"You probably think I'm a selfish idiot" he adds, muffled by Magnus's chest.    
  
"Oh, you're definitely selfish" Magnus jokes, because they always tell jokes, because the death and pain and destruction would be too much otherwise. "Not for this though, definitely not for this. This is-gods, I can't even imagine. It's disorienting enough seeing myself now, I...I can't imagine what this is like for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry you weren't able to tell me before now."  
  
"You lost more than I did" Taako insists.  
  
"We all lost too much." Magnus counters. "It's not a matter of more or less, all of it was too much. You're allowed to feel that loss".  
  
Taako ponders that for a moment. He still feels selfish but, he's always selfish. Why change now? He's selfish, and he's exhausted. Magnus seems exhausted too, but it's hard for Taako to tell sometimes, what's just age and what isn't. Even before Wonderland it was hard to tell. Humans aged too fast. Or maybe Magnus was just always a little tired.  
  
"What are we doing all this for again?" Taako eventually asks, breaking the gentle silence that had settled over the pair. He's not sure why he asks, he already knows the answer.  
  
"To save the world" Magnus says, just like Taako expected. And a few months ago, before Wonderland, before Refuge, he would have said that so confidently, proud that he was taking part in such a great and important deed. Now he just sounds...he sounds tired, like it's something he's resigned himself to. Like there’s no more pride left in him, just a job to finish because who else will? It makes Taako angry, though he's not sure why.  
  
He hugs Magnus, smushing his face against his chest again, not quite sure which of them it’s really for. For both of them probably. "The world is lucky that it's where I keep all my stuff, cause this is really starting to not feel worth it".


End file.
